Women, Stop Being Too Nice

Ladies, I beg of you, stop being too nice.

(Not a political post, just a political setting.)

At the end of the Democratic debate last night, Judy Woodruff asked the candidates if there was a candidate on the stage to whom they’d give a gift, or from whom they’d ask forgiveness. The men talked about their books and teamwork and leadership and solutions, the women contritely talked about times when they were too blunt or too passionate or too hot under the collar.

If you know me, you’ve heard me rail about the difference between being nice and being kind. As we see in every setting, the women on the political stage perseverated about not being nice enough, while the men swelled in the magnanimity of kindness, that they themselves were the gifts.

Give me a fucking break.

Just once I’d like to see a man sheepishly apologize for being too much, or a woman not get burned at the stake for being confident.

Yes, I understand that women in politics are met in the court of public opinion by a whole raft of shit, a double standard that transcends the bounds of logic. What can we mere mortals do? We can stop being too god damned nice, and start socializing what kindness looks like when a woman wears its crown.

Ladies, let’s talk. It’s time to stop being too nice.

Yes, stop. Just quit. Don’t be nice ever again. Being nice is for suckers.

Women are nice. We look out for others. We worry about people’s feelings. We take everything on our shoulders just to make sure that no one else is troubled. We couch our criticism. We are nice.

But, what about when a man looks out for others, or worries about people’s feelings, or takes troubles off of anyone else’s shoulders? What about when a man couches criticism? He is considered kind.

Think about the difference between these two words. Nice doesn’t disturb anyone. Nice won’t upset the apple cart. Nice is expected. Nice is a doormat.

But, kind? Kind is what you bestow upon another. Kindness is something you can give. Being kind holds power.

She is nice. He is kind. Which one gets the call returned first? Which one gets respect? Which one gets the promotion? Which one do you really hear? Yup, that’s what I’m saying.

So, ladies, I beg of you. Stop being too nice, and start bestowing your kindness as if it is a rare commodity, one that you choose to give only those who have earned it or value it. The kinder you are, the less nice you’ll have to be. And, for that, we newly elevated women of the world will all be grateful.

But, how do you stop being too nice when, after all, it’s our fall back, it’s the modus operandi, it’s muscle memory?

First, remember that it’s not your job to make everyone feel welcome, comfortable, and safe. You don’t have to always be giving a compliment. You don’t have to lump praise upon the undeserving. And, you don’t have to fill the silences. That’s when the other person is thinking over the brilliance you just laid upon them; let them catch up.

Then, stop apologizing for existing. You may apologize too often, and there are plenty of studies to make me confident that you do, but even if the words coming out of your mouth aren’t exactly, “I’m sorry,” the odds are that you start too many statements with “It’s just my opinion, but…” and “I could be wrong, but…” and “This might be a bad time, but…” I’m here to tell you to get your head out of your “but” and have the courage of your convictions. You can be kind without being mean, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be too nice.

Finally, think about what it is that you do better than most others around you. Find someone who could use a little of that magic. And, spend a little time helping them find it within themselves. Go out of your way to be a champion, not just a mentor. Teaching skills, building up others, opening doors are a currency, and bestowing kindness is just that. It’s not nice because it’s expected. It’s kind because it’s intentional.

Yes, I’m ranting. And, no, I’m not apologizing for it.

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