How do you measure a life?
Four years ago last week we lost a giant whose thoughts on how to measure his own life were formative for so many, including me. Though emanated from his religious faith, this exercise is one we can all do. It’s been a minute since I’ve sat down to think about how I would measure mine, and on this anniversary of his passing, I thought there would be no better way to honor Clay Christensen than to revisit this exercise for myself.(I know, I know, I’ve been writing a lot of death for a person whose word of the year is delight. But stick with me for a minute.)
For me, right now at least, it comes down to asking myself four questions every single day. If the answer to these questions is yes, I’m on the right track. If the answer is no, then there is something underpinning my choices that is not aligned with who I want to have been when it’s all said and done. It’s really just as simple as that.
Did I leave it all better than I found it?
Did I do what I said I was going to do, and do it with my whole self?
Did I say Yes more than I said No?
Did the choice I made manifest abundance or scarcity?
Your mileage may vary; in fact, it should. And, I’d love to hear about it. In the meantime, let me expand on mine as a way to guide you to think about yours:
1. Did I leave it all better than I found it?
This, to me, seems like table stakes. This isn’t about a full page ad in the New York Times when I die. It’s as simple as this: life is not a winner-take-all-sport but a communal game. Notice other people. Be curious. Make introductions. Open doors. Pick up the litter. Return the shopping cart. Recycle. Truly, it’s not hard to not be a selfish prick. I tell my husband all the time that I don’t want people to cry at my funeral — he tells me back that he can’t control human emotions; we’ll see. Instead, I’d rather people talk and talk about how their lives were just a wee hair better because I was part of it, that I noticed something in them that made them become more of who they were meant to be, and because of that, they lived a better life. That’s all. That’s the dream.
2. Did I do what I said I was going to do, and do it with my whole self?
I’ve had to learn to say no a lot in the past year. I’m on the road a lot, so my time at home, which the people I love most in the world, is precious. I’ve stopped playing the game with myself where the current me thinks that the future me is going to want to go to that opening party, that grand event, that fabulous shindig the day after I get home from ten days in four time zones, and I’m finally willing to admit to myself that for me, at least, JOMO beats FOMO every day of the week. I show up when it’s meaningful, I show up when it matters, I show up when I can show up as my very best, and when I can show up as my whole self. (See: previous writing, “You’re Just Not That Important.”)
3. Did I Say Yes More than I Said No?
Seemingly at odds with what I wrote above, I do still believe that there is an adventure around every corner if you look hard enough. I am never as happy as when I have a passport in one hand and an airline ticket to country I’ve never visited in the other. Working hard to say yes more than I say no means that I have to put effort to the boring kinds of self-care, like exercise, sleep, nutrition, and hydration, that allows me to turn up the volume on the fun bits and not just sit around and winge all day about how exhausted the incredible life I’ve worked hard to achieve has made me. Boo-fucking-hoo, right? But, life is happier when it’s full of the possibility of possibility. Growth mindset beats fixed mindset every day of the week. The unknown turns out to be far less scarier once you are inside of its warm embrace. Did I choose adventure rather than stasis? Did I choose the edge of incompetence over the shackles of safety? Did I take the dare, lean out of my comfort zone, and figure out what I’m made of? That’ll do. Yes, that’ll do.
4. Did the Choices I Made Manifest Abundance or Scarcity?
I was a scorekeeper when I was younger. I noticed everyone’s designer labels, fancy cars, rich social lives, and I thought, “Why not me?” I got angry. I got jealous. I got bitter. The truth is that I didn’t hold their success against them as much as I held my lack of success against me. I didn’t want them to fail, I didn’t even necessarily want their luxury goods; I wanted their luxury freedom, leverage, and choice. Now, I find myself on the other side of the equation, drowning in all of the things that I’ve worked so hard to achieve — and the luck and favor I’ve had along the way. So the choice is obvious: build bridges, open doors, extend the table. We all rise faster and further together, and if I’m going up, hop in, we are all going up.
TL;DR:Now that I think about it, I guess this whole list (and my life hodgepodge of a self-invented religion) can be summed up pretty simply: true your antenna outward, show the fuck up, choose adventure, and don’t be an asshole.
But, you know, I make my living with words. (And, who knows, maybe these questions become the rubric of my next book?)
So, tell me: who have you been, who are you now, and who will you become?
